Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
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You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.