Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
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Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet