(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
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Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Lol.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out