A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Worth a try
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.