up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
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[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
i will avenge u mr van gogh
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
wait.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.