Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
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(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
We need more people like this.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u