The check engine light came on inside my oven.
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Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.