Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
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Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.