3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
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Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer: