him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
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*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
“Huge”.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.