Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
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Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it