Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
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It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice