Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
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Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?