my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
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6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
forgive me baja for i have blast
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter