Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
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Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
reminder
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed