A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
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Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
*cough*
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
British websites use biscuits.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I remember when things only cost an arm.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Y’all know who you are.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.