Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
You Might Also Like
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.