My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
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why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.