Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
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[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
The future is now.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.