The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
You Might Also Like
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
those birds must be on payroll
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90