What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
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Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
A woman drives into a bar.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
meanwhile over on facebook
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”