I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
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My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
This is a sub tweet
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.