*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
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It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.