*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
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*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..