How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
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My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Happy birthday to all the women
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”