I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
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dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.