If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
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Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
whenever i wake up before my alarm
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.