Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
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The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Lol
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.