People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
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When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
my first dose meeting my second
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.