“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
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me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.