What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
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Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!