Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
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I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
translated into Canadian
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
much to think about
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.