Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
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Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.