Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
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[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
when someone rings the doorbell
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.