If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
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every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
oh u like history? name everything that happened
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Jail
a god among men
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”