My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
You Might Also Like
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.