the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
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Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…