I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
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I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.