My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
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[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
6: whatβs 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo itβs 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo itβs 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Life with a cat in one tweet
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
βI have a ripe avocado at homeβ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Iβll bet Waldo owed some people money. You donβt get that good at hiding for no reason.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Bloody internet π³
Iβve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
A lot of your 30βs involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Like The Shawshank Redemption except itβs just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the βhang in thereβ cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts