The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
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[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill