* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
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I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
When you’ve simply given up.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.