I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
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My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is