Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
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Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.