Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
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Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]