Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”