Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
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I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.