Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
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me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.