“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
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“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.