If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
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After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.