“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
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A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.