When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream